The first time our system thought about MAPs we were probably around 12. Our host at the time (Kitty) experienced a lot of attraction to adult men, but practically no attraction to boys her age. Her ideal fantasy relationship would have been with a man in his 30’s that could also act like a father figure. This particular fantasy and attraction probably came out of disappointment and (nonsexual) trauma relating to our biological father.
We remember her thought processes from back then, primarily “If it’s not wrong for me to feel attraction to adults, why is it considered wrong for adults to be attracted to kids?” And “Why does being younger mean I’m not allowed to experience love the way I want to, or make decisions concerning my own body?” These questions shaped our life a lot, but there was also one more: “When I become older, will I develop attractions to younger people and be judged as well?” I think we knew when she asked herself that question, looking out our bedroom window, that it was destined to come true. It felt foreboding, but somehow natural and inherent. As we grew it only became more concerning to us. We had never felt MAPs deserved hatred but we also weren’t eager to face that hatred ourselves.
It was the next budding host (Ricky) who made the discovery. His sense of self was built around being the kind of person our core host needed in her life at the time. He was a big brother figure who believed strongly in freedom of expression and “love is love” – He saw himself, and still sees himself, as an effeminate gay man. He had always had a curiosity with young boys and an interest in youth liberation, he liked to imagine being a loving influence to children. He avoided thinking much about that, preferring to consider it just a fantasy. The realization it went deeper came when a friend’s younger brother fell asleep in our lap.
This was one of the few times he was thankful he wasn’t cis, since that probably would have attracted more judgement. The child was somewhere around 8, a very rambunctious boy with an emotionally unstable home. What Ricky felt wasn’t arousal, it was a feeling of profound love. A wish for deeper emotional connection than social norms would allow. A desire to protect, empower, and influence – but mostly to love. To him it felt deeply romantic. He felt honoured to be trusted and sought out for comfort.
Though the moment was beautiful it was also bittersweet and heavy. It came with the acknowledgement that yes, he was a MAP. It felt like a sentence to life-long loneliness; That he could never truly be known and loved as he was. Like bearing a cross on his heart that he could never show anyone. For a long time this caused him a lot of pain. We were only 16 then, it’s hard to feel all alone in the world as a struggling teenager. Many days he would fantasize about spreading the message of youth love, and he always assumed he’d have to die to do so. It became suicidal ideation, because he couldn’t imagine a world in which he could keep living happily and also say the things nobody wanted to hear, or bear all the hatred as a result.
Looking back on this feels bittersweet as well, I feel a lot of pride for how far we’ve come as a system. Though that particular alter still struggles with the weight of the world; We’re doing what he always dreamt of, and we’re doing it alive, even pretty happily. We still struggle, but we are known and loved. We’ve come out to both parents and all of our friends know. We aren’t alone. When he returns to fronting he’ll be coming back to a happier life.
As the current host, minor-attraction probably only makes up a 3rd or 4th of my sexuality, and most (though not all) of that attraction is directed towards teenage boys. When I say I’m a MAP I think people probably assume my sexuality looks a lot different than how I experience it. But minor attraction is an important subject to our whole system and our history. It’s shaped so much of who we are. Our values and our mental health journey. The reason I call myself a MAP is because even if the attraction itself is small for me, it still exists – And feelings aren’t wrong. I believe in a world where nobody has to feel shame or face stigma over feelings.
It’s never wrong to feel, it’s especially not wrong to feel love.
